Because It's Funny

Since my earlier post is pretty.....ummmm....pointless, and because I just flat out love this, I'm sending you over to LeeAnn to enjoy THIS post.

Be careful.  You might just have a good laugh.

On a Monday. Huh. Whoda thunk?!

Lazy? Well.........

I accomplished nothing this weekend. Literally. Not. One.Thing.

I didn't finish packing....did I mention I'll be leaving on a mini vacation on Thursday? Yeah......had to dip into the suitcase and really should have gotten that repacked. Didn't. Didn't even attempt it.

Didn't unload the dishwasher. Nope.

Didn't dust. Vacuum. No. Just didn't.

Didn't even cook. Ate left over lasagna and whatever else was in the pantry. Not exactly diet friendly, but didn't really care.

Should have gone shopping for a few things I need for the weekend. Decided I can just as easily stop on my way home this week.

I should feel guilty, shouldn't I? I'm a good Midwestern bred woman, taught to just get it done, no reason for procrastination.

But I don't. Not one ounce of guilt this morning. Not only that, but if I thought for 2 seconds I could get away with it, I'd continue this pattern thru today.

I did, or didn't do any of this with the full realization that I'm going out of the country for 4 days this week. I'm leaving. On a jet plane even. And still that wasn't enough to get me jump started on my chores.

So I was a slug this weekend. A bump on a log. Lackadaisical, as it were.

Which leads me to a question for the 13 of you that visit.  What is YOUR favorite word for LAZY? Mine? I'm really fond of that last one, Lackadaisical.  I just like the way it sounds........

Heavy Burden but Beautiful Gift

I've been mentioning that we have some serious issues going on. And I've been really stressed trying to keep my head above water, stay positive for my team and well, just stay focused.

This week I had to have a very difficult meeting with my team. They are pissed. And they have every right to be. They have questions that, frankly, I don't have answers for. I know that the solutions are being looked into. I know they are close to being at a final decision and I know that I'll know more next week.

Not really a strong foundation for a difficult meeting. And the team was making sure I knew they were comin' at me. That's ok. It's my job. What I do isn't all about the celebration, it's taking the hard shots and finding answers and getting us where we need to be. I drive the bus, according the the GPS I get from the company. So I sorta look like I'm in control but we all know I'm not.

Anyway......being me, I decide we're just gonna deal with all this head on. I redid my entire meeting to center around the issues. Minimal me telling them, maximum me answering their questions. And that meant if I didn't know, I told them.

We have a pretty good relationship for the most part. The over riding understanding is I care about them. I care about their families. I care about the quality of their lives. They know that. They do. Sometimes they piss me off so bad I just about can't stand it. And I know it's mutual. But.....when it's all said and done, for the most part, they trust ME.  And I know I can depend on them to give me their best efforts.

So, I just put it all out there. I addressed the questions I knew they had right up front. I didn't flinch, I didn't dodge. I stood there and took it. I took it all. And when it was all said and done, even though I didn't have all the answers, I addressed their concerns and when they walked away I got "Thank You"s from the majority of them. Oh, they still aren't happy. I didn't fix a damn thing. I simply told them what I could.

As I was walking back into my office after the emotional 2 hours, one of the guys stopped me. And then proceeded to give me the greatest compliment I've ever received. "Miss Tammi. I know you'll take care of me. I know you have my back. I'm not worried. You'll make it right."

When I close my eyes at night I still see him standing there and hear him saying those words. I am overwhelmed by that.  And he's right, at least he's right that that's what I WANT to do. Here's my fear.....what if I can't? I don't know the plan. I don't know how and what the company is going to do. What if it isn't enough? What if it is just a bad plan?

I'm praying every minute that whoever is making these decisions they make the right ones. That what ever they come up with is the best thing for everyone. Because when it's all said and done, I don't want to let these folks down. That kind of trust is a gift I'm not willing to give up.

I Like Cherry, thankyouverymuch

I guess it's time to finally admit it. Out loud even. No sense denying it, it's as plain as the nose on my face. I, Tammi, am a Koolaid drinker. A Company Girl......an easy mark in some folk's mind.  Oh, if you want my buy in you better be clear, have details, show me the money as it were. But yeah, if you know your stuff and can make a great presentation, show me how it works for ME? Yeah, I'm in.

And man does it piss people off.

Seems in this day and age there is no such thing anymore. It's all about the proverbial ME. And while I do take care of ME, I still believe that a success is only TRULY a success if it benefits everyone.

This all leads me to a bit of a teaser.  See, I went a training class that really opened my eyes. It's changing the entire way I look at not just my job but my life. And I think everyone should have the chance to learn these tricks and tips. And by everyone I mean most certainly my employees.

So, out of my pocket - because at the time it wasn't sanctioned - I bought the reference books and set up a mini class to share what I've learned with those that report to me. See, while it's a great system, if everyone around you isn't using it, it's not as effective. Oh, it still works, but if everyone is on the same page it makes things run a lot smoother.

Because I believe the old adage "it's better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission", after I bought the stuff and scheduled the training I told my boss. At first she wasn't too keen on the idea. Then in yesterday's call she announced what I am doing, told me to order the books for EVERYONE in her area and get ready to go out and train anyone that wasn't in the class.

Well, darn. That kinda changes what I was going to do. Now, it's got to be a complete, very polished presentation. Oh, I wasn't going to go half assed on this, but this wrenches it up a notch or twelve.

Did I mention that my class is set for day after tomorrow? Yeah.....and the end of next week I'm going on vacation for a long weekend. So, that means today is all about this presentation. I need to bring my A+ game.

And I'm planning on sharing some of this on the blog. Because it's using tools that anyone and everyone can benefit from. But, maybe that's just me.......drinking the Koolaid again.  Guess we'll have to wait and see.

My Attempt at a Blurb

I was going to write a little political blurb this morning. Started typing and, wow, got completely out of control.  Turns out I'm not capable of a "blurb".  Huh....whoda thunk.

So I'll just say I'm very disappointed in our choices this election year. It terrifies me for the sake of America and Americans.  I can't believe this is the best we can do.

And even more, I can't believe O has as much support as he does.........it saddens me to think how selfish and ignorant people really are.

Yeah...that sums it up. I'm sure I'll have more to add later, but this is pretty much how I feel right now.  How 'bout you?  What are your thoughts on this disaster in the making?

My Thoughts on Easter

I don't attend a church out here. Doesn't mean I'm not faithful, or that I love the Lord any less than anyone else. I simply choose to not go to church. But this morning, Easter morning, I was listening to a lesson on the TV and heard something that really resonates with me. "God never ends on a negative."

I like that. Alot.

And it really fits with all that I believe. No matter what happens, I try to stay focused, positive. I know that there is a lesson in all that I experience. There is a blessing buried in the pain. We just have to find it.

We make mistakes. We all do. We're not perfect, but rather than focusing on all of those it's important to learn from them and move forward. Take the lessons learned and turn them into a gift to others. By doing that we not only take the focus off of the bad, but we put the focus on others. When we do that, we are blessed. It's true. Not always immediately, but we are. We have to trust in that.

Right now, at work, it's ugly. We just can't get our hands on enough product. Not enough for the consumers who want to buy it, the stores that need to stock it and most certainly not enough for my guys who pay their bills with the proceeds of what they sell. It's just a nightmare. Now, I could be like so many others in my peer group and focus on what's not happening. We AREN'T getting more product. We CAN'T keep up with demand. We have NO WAY of making our customers happy.  But I'm not. I won't. Oh, I'm tempted. There are moments after angry phone calls that I just lay my head on my desk and want to cry. There are times when my guys come in begging for any help on how they can pay their bills that I have to close the door and weep. But I cannot, will not dwell on that.

No, I'm looking at what we can do. We have some things to sell. Not the top sellers, but something. And we have a new product coming out next week, and I've put a lot of effort into making that a success. Because it will help. It will put money in their pockets. Product on the shelf.  I have gotten notice of some very serious issues with our competition. I'm printing all those out and posting them. ANYTHING I can do to put the focus on the positive. On all the possibilities.

And it's working. Oh, we had a horrible week last week. Horrible. The worst I've ever been thru. But we still had decent numbers. At least those that are listening to me did. And the negative nannies are starting to notice that. And it's spreading.

I had a couple of my peers tell me that they were confused as to why I wasn't freaking out more. Then, I guess, they figured it out. According to them it's obvious I don't care about my team as much as they do theirs. Really? Huh......no, I think it's that I'm the only one that has actually been there, done that. Those hurricanes in 2004? Yeah, I didn't receive a dime for 6 weeks. There was no revenue. Period. No guarantee pay. Nothing. And it was horrible. HORRIBLE. But, I survived. My boss didn't help me, in any way. No, I just hunkered down and figured it out. And those lessons? That is what I'm sharing with my team. If they want to listen, great. If not, there really isn't much I can do about that. But the core of this story is I learned a lesson and am passing it on. And by focusing on what is possible I'm not as stressed as so many around me.

Now, this isn't a smooth path. No....seems like every time I find something that will work, we hit a speed bump. But we simply stop and find a way around it. I stay focused on the positive.

So what does all this mean on this Easter morning. Moving from work to "life" matters it means I'm content. I'm peaceful with who and where I am. I know He has a plan for me, and by focusing on the good, the positive, I will gain that plan. Might not be tomorrow, or next year. But my Lord wants good things for me. And I want to graciously receive them. So I keep my mind and heart open to his possibilities. Even when others think I've lost my mind, or am not living in reality. I stay the course.

My wish for you this Easter is that you are able to see the good. Find the lesson. See the light. That is the story of Easter. No matter what happens, there is hope. There is life. Remember.....God doesn't end on a negative.

Welcome to Florida!!!

What seems like a lifetime ago, but when I first moved to Florida back in 1996 I almost immediately came face to face with one of my greatest fears. It was very traumatic.

It was a Wednesday, cool for Florida, but not cold. Just breezy, too breezy to really go to the beach but sunny. A day that just called for spending time in the backyard. So I called in "sick" to work and got ready for a perfectly relaxing day.

I pulled out the beach blanket and a big ole glass of ice with Diet Coke. An extra pack of cigarettes and I was all set.

I got everything out on the ground - didn't have a beach chair yet. Believe me, that was purchased that very afternoon. Anyway, I got everything settled, back door open with my favorite radio station on, and stretched out to catch some rays.

I heard a rustle in the grass. My nephew was mowing my lawn for me and we were just a few days late on the trim so it was rather long. I heard the rustle over by the fence and smiled picturing a couple of lizards enjoying the sunshine with me.

It wasn't very long, just a few minutes and I got restless. It felt like someone was watching me. Realizing I was just being silly, but still restless I glanced over to my right and there it was. A snake. A black snake, but a snake none the less.

And it wasn't just there. Oh no, it was there LOOKING at me. Just sitting there, contemplating what the hell I was. A log that he could curl up under? Something to slither over? What?

I couldn't breathe. I remember hopping up and by hopping I mean I went from stretched out to standing completely up, with glass in hand a good foot away from the blanket. Still there he was, watching me. Enjoying my panic. I swear I saw him smile.

As my mind rushed thru the options of what in the hell I could do, I realized there was only one answer. I needed to call my best friend, at work, in Indiana. She would know what to do. Or at the very least talk me out of my hysteria.

So, again I don't remember how I got there, but next thing I knew I was standing inside the back door, phone in one hand, drink in the other looking thru the now locked screen door. (I had to lock it, you see. Snakes are sneaky, he could have easily gotten in if I hadn't.)

As I explained my situation I already felt a sense of calm.....Sharon would fix it. She would understand. Well, once she finally stopped laughing. Laughing? She was laughing at this horrific situation? WTF?!?!

Her first suggestion was we needed to kill it. I agreed. Any suggestions? A stick? Yeah, not a lot of "sticks" on palm trees strong enough to kill a snake.  Smash it! Smash it with a rock!!  Again, Florida!?!  No rocks really handy.

Final decision was the most obvious. Leave it alone. Just leave it alone and it will eventually leave.  Made perfect sense, but the problem there was then I wouldn't know where it was. What it was doing. I didn't take a lot of comfort in that. But I didn't have a lot of choice.

But the choice that was in my power was easy. I would just never go back out in the backyard again. Ever. I left the blanket and even the cigarettes right where they were. In fact, 2 weeks later I found an apartment, on the 2nd floor, where I really wouldn't have to worry about them invading my space again.

Yeah.....that was my welcome to Florida. I learned a couple of lessons from that day. Stop playing hooky. Oh, and buy a damned beach chair. No more laying on the grass.

I Can Hear it Now

Let's just see what happens, shall we?  We're having some....ummmm challenges at work right now. Yeah, that's how we'll put it.

Morale is in the toilet and I'm holding things together with my bare hands. It's not pretty.

So, I figure we'll do something cute for the holiday.  I stopped at Walgreens and bought some tumblers in a cute Easter design, then picked up some solid chocolate bunnies, M&Ms and those filled chocolate eggs.  Put it all together and am leaving them in the guys' boxes. Nothing big, nothing fancy. Just.....something.

I'm taking bets that I will get bitched at. Seriously. I can hear it already. "I have 2 kids, I need 2."  "I don't like caramel eggs, why didn't I get peanut butter." "This is it?"

Yeah I can hear it all now.  If I hear 2 Thank You's I promise they will be the newest employees. Anyone who's been here for more than 6 months will complain.

And yet.....I keep doing it.  I said I wasn't but I just thought it might, for just a second, put a smile on a few faces.  That's all I'm looking for here.....just a couple of smiles, a laugh.

I gave up on Thank You a long time ago.

True Confession

A few truths that I'm just a little embarrassed to admit to.....

1) I love that my team calls me Boss. Not that I feel superior, but (right or wrong) I take it as respect. It's either that or Miss Tammi, and neither is ever said in a snide or mean way. I am the Boss, and I enjoy every bit that title entails. Hard or easy.....I wouldn't have it any other way.

2)  Even if I HAD time to go out and about, I don't remember how to just "make friends".  I've gotten too used to the internet. It's the a cross between that and work that I've made very friend I have in my life currently. Kinda sad....but true.

3) I want to lose weight, quit smoking and get in shape, but I have limited ambition. So I figure if I have to choose, dieting is the easy thing. And right now, I'm all about easy.

4) I don't know that I would accept a different job right now if it were offered to me, no matter where it is. I'm getting used to SoCal, I do love my job and well, frankly speaking, I'm sick to death of moving.

5)  In line with #2, as lonely as I am I have no desire to start dating again. If I could just go the Mail Order Marine route I would.......other than that, it's just too much for me right now.


Yeah.....that's about all the soul bearing I can handle for an evening. I figured if I'm going to put this out there, and me + blogging = me doin' this stuff, it's best to do it now when I have a whomping 13 visitors a day. With any luck it'll end up nice and buried in a very active archive......

Walk A Mile

So in an earlier post I mentioned one of my team won a really big award. It's such a big deal, trip to NY, ceremonies, rings, trophy, lots and lots of recognition. (I'm really frustrated because there are just no words that properly express how huge this is.)

Anyway, he's been dodging me. I need to book the flights - he did tell me a week ago he would take his wife. I need his ring size, a decent picture and a short bio.  I have deadlines and as of Friday they passed.

At first he told me he couldn't go. Now, keep this in mind, this whole thing is set smack dab in the middle of the week of graduations out in California.  It's not the best time of the year for this. Last time one of my team won, he couldn't go because his step daughter was graduating.  I still haven't heard the end of that. Anyway, this year my guy told me he couldn't go because his wife couldn't go. Family obligation - someone was graduating.

I cannot begin to tell you how much hell I was given because of that. It was like I was trying to keep him from going. I finally worked thru all of his issues and the trip was on.  I told him he needed to bring his stuff with him on Wednesday last week so we could get everything finalized. I had a deadline, don't cha know.

Wednesday that guy was a ghost. I never even heard him come back. Thursday? Nada.  Friday I waited on the dock for him. He was not getting away from me. As we sat down, I knew what he was going to say. I just knew it. He's not going. No way. No how.

Oh, he understands what a big deal the award is, he is just not getting on a plane and flying to NY. He doesn't want all that attention. HE IS TERRIFIED.

And I get it. He's never been out of California. Has never wanted to leave. He is comfortable with is world and has no desire to expand it. Now, that part I don't get, but I do see why it's all so over whelming. I really do.

So today I have to inform that powers that be that for the 2nd time one of my team will not be coming to the ceremony. They will not understand. I will be in big trouble. And I will take the hits. I have to. I cannot make him go, no one can. They can't even give him grief for his decision. But they can make my life a living hell. And they will.

I just wish instead of worryin' about how it looks they look at it from his point of view. I will make a big deal here, with his friends looking on and we'll put on a nice show to celebrate his accomplishment. And it will mean the world to him. The people that matter to him will be there. Not a bunch of strangers that he'll never see again.

Deep down inside, I'm jealous. This award is the one that's been illusive for me. I'd do anything for this opportunity. But then again, I'm an entirely different animal than my employee is. I have different goals, walk a different path.  I just wish these folks that will be coming down on me this week would just try to walk a mile in his shoes.....would make everyones life a whole lot easier.

Once a Bully..............

I started my strange vocational journey back in '91 when I took a temporary position at a new steel processing plant. It was in the process of being built in the middle of a cornfield way out in the country.  At that time I didn't know anything about, well, anything. What in the world is the thing called a PC? Email? WTF is that?!

Long story short - because this is background information only - I feel in love. I loved being a part of making something. I adored driving down the street and seeing what happened with what we made. Not only that, but I'll be honest enough to admit that I loved being one of the few women in the field. I never realized until that time that I really enjoy being a pioneer. I actually relished being under estimated. But then again, I was young and had so much energy. Proving yourself takes a lot of energy. It really does.

So I spent a total of 7 years in the steel business. But then I got bored. Steel is a commodity. We were not cheap by any means, so a strong contract or a big sale was all about the relationships. And honestly, I got tired of the politics.

About that time my boss suggested that I look at going into Food & Beverage. I love to cook, spend a lot of time in grocery stores, am a damned good sales person and pretty creative. Plus, as I said, I was ready for a change.

But it's tough breaking into that particular industry. It's pretty snobby. It doesn't matter how much sales experience you have, if you haven't sold what they sell you can't possibly know anything. Ever. So I walked away from a successful career and took a temp job answering the phone. And slowly but surely worked my way into their hearts and corporate structure. I did whatever they asked. I went where ever they sent me. I worked my ass off, and had some huge success. It freaked even me out. This all made so much sense to me, and the decisions I made or programs I came up with just worked. Really well.

I made a name for myself. I earned the respect of some pretty tough customers. And we all had fun. We still refer to that time, those of us still around anyway, as Camelot. It was magical.

I had to leave the company, and industry for a few years. But I stayed focused on getting back. I posted for every opportunity I found. Finally, after 6 years, I got back in. Not just in, but a great opportunity to lead a team. A high profile team. Yeah, it was across the country from everyone I know and love, but I was back. And it felt good.

Except, it's still a man's world. It's still the good ole boy network. And those contacts? Yeah....they're still around, and we still stay in touch. But I'm in a group that wasn't around then. They don't know what we did, how close we are. They see me as the "new girl". Both new and girl being important points.

I'm the 2nd highest ranking woman in my division. And my team is growing the business 2nd fastest in the country. Oh, we still have struggles, but over all, we are getting it done.

And my peers are making my life a living hell. Seriously. The back stabbing is insane. The lying is out of control. There is no one I can really talk to. No one I can trust. I hate that. And it's getting really Really old.

Last week wore me the hell out. I'm not going into a bunch of details, but let's just say there are gaping holes in my back right now. Huge, put your whole hands in there holes. Asswipes. We had some visitors, things went well, but could they leave well enough alone? Oh hell no. We split up at one time and as soon as my peers got the bigwigs alone they decided it was time to try to play the game Throw Mud All Over Tammi. Lucky for them, at least partially, it didn't work. Remember when I mentioned Camelot? Yeah, the folks they were talking to, well, we were all a part of that. I keep trying to remind these guys that I may be new, but I'm only new to THEM. I have history in this company. Good. Strong. History.

My instinct is to go at 'em head on.  Just throw down. Pull no punches. Let these asswipes know who they are messing with. I could. And I would probably come out ahead. But the damage it would do to my reputation, I'm known for keeping my head down and focusing on the job, not to mention my stress (I have so much to do, the energy it would take to make my point would exhaust me) are not things I care to deal with.

But ohhhhhh I'm just fed up. Done. I keep waiting for karma to step in. Or for them to realize we are adults. This is business. I'm no threat to them. I don't want their jobs. Hell, I need them to be successful, we're a team for cryin' out loud!

Anyway, that's what's eattin' me right now. I have no end to this, just really needed to get this all off my chest. Well, and to express my intense disappointment that, even now, at the level we're functioning, playground bullies are still ever present. And they get uglier as they get older. It's just flat out sad......

Another Conversation with Mama Vi

Mama Vi has had a rough year. Actually, it's been a rough couple of years...but the past few months have been a bit better.  We got her some help around the house, she has Life Alert and that has given her a lot more independence. She's also been able to lose some weight so she's gettin' some pep back into her step. It does a daughter good to know that.

The one thing that hasn't changed is my total enjoyment in giving her a rough time. I come by it naturally, and it's been my life's work, so I feel it's my obligation to continue.  ;-)

So, during our conversation yesterday morning she mentions that she's hired a woman from church who lost her job to help with the yard. Yeah!! No more begging or waiting for help. No more embarrassment when no one shows for weeks! That was a huge load off of both our minds. Anyway.....yesterday the lady was coming over to do the spring clean up. Trimming, mowing, clearing out of weeds. A big day. And, as you can imagine Mama is very picky about her yard. Her flowers are her pride and joy.  Persnickety might be a better term.

So here is a tidbit of our conversation:

Mama; I'm going to take my walker out today so I can help her identify what is what and explain about the trimming.

Tammi: What's the weather today? (with her on oxygen the weather can really cause a problem)

Mama: Cool, sunny, clear. It should be a perfect day!

Tammi: Excellent. Just please don't over do it.

Mama: I'll try not to.

Tammi: Ya know.....my Mama told me about this thing. I don't use it very often, but when I do it always works just perfect in situations like this.

Mama: Really? What is it?

Tammi: It's called COMMON SENSE!! Don't TRY just DO!!

Mama: Smart ass.........

Tammi: My work here is done. I've got to go now Mama....Have a great day! 

I simply love turning my mother's words back on her. Really. I have come to look for any and every opportunity.  Cruel? No...not so much. Funny? Hell yeah.....even she has to laugh when I pull one of those off......

Ode to Coffee

As I recover from a pretty stressful couple of weeks, and prepare to start my day today, I find myself really enjoying my coffee this morning.  And by really enjoying, I mean REALLY enjoying.

More than usual.

See, I love a good cup of coffee. But I've discovered that most everyone defines "good cup of coffee" in different ways. Some just want it strong and black. Some want all the fu-fu stuff. Others, well, they just don't get it.

In a perfect world, Tammi's World, I would once again own my Grinder Coffee pot. Seriously, there is nothing better than a cup of coffee made from freshly ground beans. Nothing. And the selection of beans to choose from, well, it just puts me in a very happy place.

I am currently the owner of one of them there Keurig Single Cup pots.  Good coffee. Really good coffee. Just a bit inconvenient if you are going to want more than 1 or 2 cups but no waste.  Well, except for the mountains of little plastic cups.  Big downside? Yeah....really expensive. I really have cut back on how much I drink at home and I still go thru 1-2 boxes a week. And a box is $8 - $9. Yeah....huh, still cheaper than a Starbucks every day but......Ouch.

Now, for the first 2 years I lived out here, I had a regular 12 cup pot. It was...fine. I tried to grind the beans ahead of time but the neighbors complained about the noise. Fine. I just went to regular preground coffee.

But I wanted more............better...............satisfaction in the morning.

So I bought the fancy machine. Again, I looked at the grinder pots. But I would have had to keep my kitchen window closed because sound travels like crazy here. I'm pretty sure my fancy neighbors wouldn't have been too happy so I "settled". And like I said.....it's fine.

But there are mornings, like today, I really Really REALLY want a great cup of coffee. Actually, I *need* a great cup of coffee. And I'm finding that is exactly what I have. It's Green Mountain Nantucket blend. Not too strong. Not bitter at all. Perfection.

And I think, as I read thru my ramblings here, that when it's all said and done a great cup of coffee is whatever you want it to be. It's more about the atmosphere, for me quiet, serene, gentle if I may say so. Coffee is the starting point of the day. And if we are lucky enough to have the chance to actually enjoy it, every cup has the potential to be great.

I'll take some of that pink stuff please

Today is a pretty big day for me. New bigwigs comin' to town for the first time. And, another first, I'm giving the tour. Huh.  After 3 years I'm finally being allowed to show off my own area.  Kinda exciting.

And I need to leave in 10 minutes. I'm sitting here, not dressed, no make-up, writing a blog post. Probably not good time management. But I needed to get this out. See, I'm actually a little nervous. Like sick to my stomach nervous. I can't believe it. This is a no brainer for me.

I was in these stores last week. Had someone run them yesterday. Everything looks as good as it can. I've known these guys for years. Can't tell you how many drinks we've shared. Like I said, this is a no brainer.

So - I'm off to finish getting ready and start that drive. I will use that time to review my info in my head and pull myself together.  Easy smeasy.

But I'm thinkin' I might need to stop and buy some Pepto on the way.

Good-bye is the hardest word.......

Today is the service for my friend Lex. I'm unable to attend but my thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends. Always.

And as I think of today, and think of the man he was, this is the song that comes to mind.  Selfishly, today my heart hurts. But he was a man of faith and we should take some comfort in that. I do.

A Match!!!

I'm very much out of the blogging loop, so if you have a blog that I know about I'm snooping thru your blogroll for daily reads.

Harvey has a great site A Trainwreck in Maxwell that I'm drawn to like a moth to flame. Oh, the sarcasm....music to my ears. Add to that melody the harmony of agreeing with so much of what is written.....like this story.  Really? We have the time or money for the government to start dinking with Football?!  Oye.....

Anyway - adding this site to my 'roll and hoping you'll pop over there too, if you aren't already.

Oops.....that might have been a tactical error on my part

Now I remember why it's so dangerous for me to putter around the house.

I like to cook while I putter. Damn it. Not good when you're trying to diet.

Oh, I'm fully aware there are wonderful low cal treats to make, but I had to make due with what was in the pantry.

Today? Pot of chicken and pasta with veggies. 

Oh, and a spice cake. I frosted it while it was still warm so I could have a piece before it cooled.

It looks like hell. But damn is that one good cake..........

I think I'll hold off sending those clothes to Goodwill. We might have hit a little stumbling block.

Psych

Growing up, Mama Vi seemed to always know what I was up to. It was incredibly frustrating. Seriously. It never failed, if I were doing something wrong, some how she always knew about it. By the time I hit High School I had given up even trying to hide things. It was an exercise in futility. I think she would have preferred that I behave, but that wasn't going to happen. It was just easier to 'fess up.

I tend to take the path of least resistance.

Anyway.....I could never figure out how she did it. How on earth did she know this stuff? Who was snitching on me? I'd ask her and she'd just smile that smug Mama smile and tell me "I have my ways".  Ohhhh so aggravating.

Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago. One of my guys won a pretty big award. A huge honor and the ceremony is in New York. They fly you and a guest to NYC, with all sorts of pomp and circumstance.  Included in that is a trip to Times Square with dinner.  Like I said, a big deal.

After announcing this wonderful accomplishment in our big meeting I was walking back to my office. As I reached the door I, oh so rudely, hollered across the room, "Hey C! Bring that entire packet with you on Monday so we can make your travel arrangements.  It doesn't matter who you take - your wife, girlfriend, doesn't matter. I just need names and such." Then I walked into my office.

What I didn't know was that the entire room when silent when I left. Seems, somehow I had stumbled across someones little secret.  Everyone was sitting in stunned silence, frantic glances shared between them. "How did she know? Who told the boss C has a girlfriend?!"  I have been told that they are plenty panicked. And not just a little amazed at my powers of observation and ability to "know" things.

Folks? I was kidding. Joking. Being sarcastic. I had no idea. None. Not my business. (don't approve, but it's not my business) I was just being.....Tammi. A bit of a smartass while trying to get things done.

But they are just sure that I knew/know and I'm being told when they are tempted to do something "wrong" the often made comment is "Hell no! Tammi will find out for sure! She knows everything!"

Ah Ha! Busted!!! And I am talking about Mom not my employees! Now I know how she did it. She didn't have secret sources. She wasn't psychic. She was just sarcastic and waited for my guilty conscious to do the work for her.

Although I will admit to being just a little disappointed. I like thinking she had super powers. Seems it was just an overabundance of sarcasm with a little luck sprinkled in for good measure.

Oh, that doesn't mean I'm not going to take advantage of this "gift". Hell no. I plan on working this for all it's worth. Like I always say, Mama didn't raise no fool.

It's All an Illusion

Years ago, when I left Florida, I remember posting of that emotional journey. (side note: wish I could still access those posts)  I had left the Midwest years before and started over again. I had worked so hard and part of my reward was I was finally living in a very nice home in a very nice area.  I felt safe, and I enjoyed entertaining.  Hell, I enjoyed it so much I hosted the very first Bad Example Family Reunion.

Anyway, I had reason to worry. I moved, with my puppy Cody (who I still miss btw) to a small town in Illinois, to be closer to Mama Vi. I lived in a hovel. It was horrible. We called it the shoebox. I won't go into details but it was, hands down one of the worst places I ever lived in. But they took my dog, and it was not terribly far from my new job, so I rented it.

From there it did get better.  But I was never really anywhere I loved. I mean really loved. Where I was both proud to entertain and safe. Those two things are important to me.  The final home in the Midwest I called Paradise. And I did love certain things of that. It was an older home, and I loved the character. I loved the sun porch. A lot. But I hated that the basement flooded. A lot. I hated the bathroom. And it was loud. I couldn't have the windows open and hear the TV because the traffic was so loud.

Fast forward to my move to California.  I had 2 weeks after accepting the job to get out here, a 5 day drive, and find a place to live. Oh, and I had been unemployed for 9 months so I also had only my relo money to make that happen.  On top of that I had never been to this area. Ever. I was given a name of a town, and being terrified of the traffic I chose something in that town. An apartment. 2 bed 2 bath, newly remodeled. Seemed ok in the beginning. Then I discovered the noise, oh you have no clue. And then the home invasions started. Car theft. Oh, and there was that body they found in a suitcase in the dumpster thing. Yeah, that kinda freaked me out.

So after 2 years of hating it, I moved. I found a place that reminds me of Bradenton Florida, along the coast. Laid back atmosphere. A bit of a drive, but worth it. I just take care of phone calls.  It's a large (especially for SoCal) 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath townhouse and in a great area. I'm on "Money Mountain" which is just along the coast, up in the foothills. As you drive up the hill you pass some beautiful large homes with killer views. Me? I'm tucked into the hill, no REAL water view, but it's quiet. And comfortable. I love it.

And it's known for being safe. No gate, but no need. The police patrol this place A LOT. It's a real community - with the drama that goes with it, but I just keep to my self and they all pretty much leave me alone now.

I feel so safe here that twice now I've woke up in the morning only to realize I didn't just leave my front door unlocked but standing wide open!  Stupid I know, but it's a true testament of how safe I feel.

Or felt. Got an email earlier this week from the land lord. Seems there is some guy going around early in the morning knocking on doors.  Hoodie, dirty jeans and if you walk up to him he runs away.  Kinda suspicious, don't cha think?!  Made me start double checking I locked my doors every night again.

Then this morning......around 5:30 there is a knock on MY door.  Really? You want to go there?  So, yes, I'm still sleeping downstairs right now, I got up off the couch and wandered to the front window.  Opened the blinds very dramatically and opened the window. (I think the sight of me, that early, just waking up was more dramatic than the opening of the blinds, but go with me on this will ya!)

Scared the HELL out of that guy. And yes, there he stood. Hoodie pulled up, looking around my front patio and standing at my door.  As the window opened and I said, very groggy, Hey!, he turned and took off thru my front gate like the hounds of hell were on his heels.

Damn.......kinda pissed me off.  Now, I have no doubt they'll get this guy. And no one really knows what he wants. Could be anything. I just know I don't want to find out first hand. But in the meantime I have to become more diligent on locking my garage, locking my house and, well, just using common sense.

But I loved leaving my back sliders open. I love the breeze. I don't have air conditioning, don't need it. Well, at least I didn't.......I sure hope they catch him soon.

Weird Math

Let's look at some stats, shall we?

I am 6'2". And that's evenly distributed. I'm not "taller" in one area and shorter in another. I'm tall all over.
I am going to be 50 years old this year.
I drive 40 miles one way to work. That doesn't include all the miles I tool around Orange County and LA. In other words, I'm in my car a lot.

So.....my lease is up on my Escape. I love that thing. I sit high, feel safe and since it's a hybrid get great gas mileage.  But...it's a company car and when they say it's time for new, it's time for new.

That was yesterday. My "new" arrived.

Now, I never claimed to be a math wiz, but in my humble opinion, those numbers do NOT add up to that.

I'm going to name it Humperdink, calling it Dink for short. Mainly because that's a whole lot more PC than what I was thinking of.........

I just keep telling myself at least it's free. At least it's free. But really? I would NEVER pay for one, and will bitch for the next three years, free or not.

Completely Inappropriate

This post is sure to be one of those "oh crap I wish I wouldn't have put that up there" posts we all have in time.  But.....I'm sitting here laughing and just need to share it. I *KNOW* I can't tell the guys, so here we go......

In the past 3 years I've put on approx 50 pounds. I hate it. I've been bitching about it, but it is my reality. So I have 2 choices, shut up or lose it.  I'm working on losing it.

And I am doing pretty well. I'm already down approx 18 pounds and still focused on movin' that needle on the scale in a favorable direction.

That being said, there is one area I'm NOT losing in, and I find it rather confusing.

See.....I've always been a long and tall. Skinny was the word most often used.  And, well, rather un-embellished as it were. In fact, being adopted into a family of strong stout Germans, I'm an enigma.  I have always been flat chested. So much so that for my 16th birthday my Aunt gave me a training bra with the word "reserved" embroidered on the cups. Lovely. What a gift! But, it also turned out to be true.

I've joked the past couple of years that it took letting myself fall apart to actually have cleavage. Well, it's true. It is, even Mama Vi agrees. So I was just a tad bit worried that losing the weight would take away the one asset I've gained.

Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. Nope. Down 18 pounds and just had to buy a bigger bra...for cryin' out loud.  How does THAT happen without plastic surgery?!?!

The really funny part is I'm just not used to this. And today's lunch is the perfect example. Sitting at my desk, eating a taco.  I lost count of how many times I had cheese or lettuce fall into my new found cleavage. It's like I was trying to save them for an afternoon snack, for cryin' out loud.

So yeah, I'm once again a freak of nature. Leave it to me to gain 50 pounds, then lose it, get ready to turn 50 and just now develop my "womanly curves"........

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

So what was the highlight of your day? Mine....hmmmm well let's see what happened....

1) Woke up to angry phone calls. No wouldn't call that a highlight.

2) Got half way to work only to discover that I needed to help in the warehouse and that isn't skirt and heels stuff so I turned around to change my clothes.

2b) Got changed and left and got  a little over half way to work only to remember that the laptop sitting on my couch wasn't my personal laptop, but my office one. Yep, you got it, turned around AGAIN to go pick that up.

3) Did I mention it's normally 40 miles 1 way to the office, except for today where it was closer to 90.

4) Everyone showed up for work, but I heard that my newest hire, who I am VERY excited about, is having 2nd thoughts because the route is so challenging. Not so much of a highlight there either.

5) I bought lunch for the guys because I had to make them stay 3 extra hours tonite until the product arrived to load their trucks. They appreciated the lunch, and didn't mind the OT too much. But I kinda forgot to eat, so that made for a long day.

6) The new Long Tall Sally catalog came packed full of pretty things I can't wait to buy. That's a good thing (for everyone but my bank account.)

7) Our corporate server was down for most of the day. I could have left the damned laptop at home for all the good it did me.

Yeah, so reviewing that, the highlight was another chance to spend more money. Oh, and I had left overs for dinner. Left overs I made myself for a real live Sunday Dinner I cooked yesterday.  So....I'd have to say it was a pretty damned good day. Food and clothes. My two favorite things.

I feel like Julie Andrews right now.....

Yeah?

I had one of those Ah Ha moments yesterday.  See, I spend 99% of my life lately with guys. Oh, I'm lucky enough to have a female boss, I even hired a female sales rep, and I do have 2 admins in the office, so it's much better than it used to be. But, given my role, I don't have anyone to really have CHICK TALK with. And, much to my surprise I really miss CHICK TALK.

I miss telling someone about what I bought shopping. Forget about actually going shopping with someone, at this point I'd be happy just talk to talk about it. I'm really trying to get back into nesting, putting those finishing touches on my home, especially since I now know I'll be staying another year.  We won't even talk about the diet talk.

Well, yesterday I got a huge dose of "Shut up Tammi, he's only humoring you because he has to".  I was talking to one of my peers and mentioned I was buying a new vacuum. He mentioned he was getting one for his wife too. Me? I launch into this huge vacuum discussion.  Completely one sided of course. The sad thing is it took me almost a full 3 minutes to realize I was the only person enjoying this.

Then this morning I see the Progesso commercial, and realized......that is my life.

I actually feel sorry for the men I work with.  Because if you know me at all, you know no matter how bad I feel, I"m not gonna stop talking.......

Tidbit

I talk to Mama Vi almost every single day. Most days 2x.  It's fun for her to hear what's going on and I need to know she's alright.

Anyway - thought you might enjoy a tidbit of one of our conversations this week.  A little background, my cousin and her husband, that I haven't seen for almost 15 years, are coming out for business. They'll be staying with me Saturday night and Sunday day.  I'm very excited. Anyway, I was at the grocery store picking up dinner the other night and talking to Mama as I walked thru the store. Here's a part of the exchange;

Mama; Oh, and Tammi. I don't know if they are big coffee drinkers so make sure you have juice in the house for breakfast Sunday morning.

Me:

Me: Mama? You do realize who you're talking to right? It's me. Tammi.

Mama: I know darned well who I'm talking to. You just need to remember to have some juice on hand.

Me:

Me: Well, I think the gallon of OJ, and 3 32oz bottles of fruit juice I have would qualify as "having juice on hand" don't you?

Mama: Well, it's just important to always have juice in the fridge. Especially for company.

Really? Seriously? I didn't know whether to laugh, be insulted or sign her up as our new spokesperson.

Ya gotta love Mama Vi.  She's still Got It.

Pack Your Bags!!!

So I'm going to the Cayman Islands with Cuz. She won the trip thru work and I'm lucky enough she picked me to go with her. (Picture a Sally Field getting the Oscar moment).  I'm so excited I can hardly stand myself.

I've already bought a couple of fat girl bathing suits and some cute sundresses that will ease the pain of not being comfortable wearing shorts.  In my mind I've done packed my suitcase.

Every single person I talk to is now already bored with the fact that I'm going. I can't stop talking about it. Seriously, this is the first REAL vacation I've had since 2000. That was 10 days in France. No phone, no laptop, just lots of castles and French stuff.  This time I can't take my phone (never got that whole international package) and I refuse to take a laptop. For any reason.  (I'm sensing a pattern here.....may need to make international travel a regular thing.)

I've gone so far as to plan my schedule. Now yes, I'm fully aware I'm there as her guest. But if I'm traveling with anyone she's my best bet. There isn't a human being alive who knows me better. AND still loves me. So she is well aware I'll steal any free moment I can for beach time.

So here's how it goes - it my mind anyway - I'll fly out the day before anyone else. I'm coming from Cali and that's a full day of travel.  I'll pay for my room that night, a savings as I don't have to pay for anything else. Next morning I'm booking a 2 hour sail on a replica of Christopher Columbus' ship.  And yes, I hear there is alcohol involved.  After that, a quick change and I'll be headed to the beach for a couple hour nap, jet lag is a PITA.  The group will arrive early afternoon, so I'll be showered and ready to meet them. The rest of the afternoon is whatever needs to be and then a group dinner and some touristy stuff. And yes, I'm sure alcohol will be involved.

Friday morning is activity time. I told Cuz I'm open for just about anything....except any type of artsy craftsy thing. Yeah, that would be a mistake of monumental portions. I even promised her that I would not embarrass her in anyway UNLESS she scheduled us for that sort of activity.  If she does, I'm pretty sure they'll be talking about that for years to come.  I'm just sayin'.  I'm actually hoping for some sort of a sail, as I haven't been on the water in over 5 years, and both she and I love sailing.  Anyway.......

Friday afternoon is also open time, so I'm hopin' a bit of beach time. Even if it's just an hour. That soft, white sand between my toes, the water, the sun....oh heavens. I can hardly breathe just thinking about it.

Friday night is the awards dinner. That is going to be fun. I'm very proud of her and all she's accomplished so I will enjoy seeing her recognized by her peers and her employer.  That will be a very nice evening. (I even have a pretty new red dress for the occasion.)

Saturday she has a mandatory team building thing.  Darn....guess I'll have to hit the beach. Did I mention they bring you drinks on the beach? Yeah.......I love that. The afternoon will probably be exploring town and doing some shopping.  Dinner that night? Yeah, I"m pretty sure alcohol will be involved.

Sunday is all free time. I see sun, sand and laughing.  Oh, and I'm pretty sure alcohol will be involved.

Monday I leave early. It's an all day flight home, so I won't get any hang out time that day. But that's alright. No need to be greedy.

I need this so bad. I can never express the anticipation or the gratitude I feel.  All I need to do is push thru my passport renewal and I'll do that first thing Monday.  I think there's time, just no cushion for error.

I'm going to the Cayman Islands. Holy Shit. The timing is perfect and the company will be exactly what I need. Shame I don't get to see everyone, but some quality time with Cuz will go a long way in getting me through this coming year.

Oh and yeah......I'm pretty sure alcohol will be involved.

That Damned Straw

These past 7 days have not been easy. Not at all. I would say it's been one hell of a week.

Started out with the loss of someone I admire and care about. Add to that the constant struggle with family I'm dealing with. Lots of energy being taken up there. Then there is work. We are suffering from an "abundance of demand" - meaning that there isn't enough product. My guys are making less money, I'm missing plan (and no, there is no forgiveness for that) and I've got pissed off customers. Every day I am getting multiple calls cussing me out. Oh, and there was the safety audit I failed. And I was on the national safety board for 3 years. Yeah...lovely. Then there was The Show from Hell and all it brought.

Stress upon stress upon stress. Add to all of that the lack of sleep I'm getting. I'm just wiped out.

So I was counting on Sunday. I screened every call. If it wasn't someone I needed AND wanted to talk to, it wasn't happening. God made voicemail for a reason, and that reason was my Sunday.

I needed Tammi Time so badly that when I ran out of cigarettes at 10am I didn't even care. I was still in my jammies and not a single stick in the house. My bad. Should have thought ahead.

That should tell you how much I needed complete solitude.

The phone ran around 3:30. I saw it was the salon I get my hair done at and I figured I could handle that call pretty well so I went ahead and picked it up.  I had an appointment for the day before, not realizing that I had to work the show so I had changed it last week to Tuesday.

Just a little background - I love the girl that does my hair. She has helped pull me out of my shell again. I even cut it all off the last time I was there and I love it. I haven't had a bad hair day in 6 weeks. That's a flippin' miracle. I love this girl. So much that I drive a little over an hour on a weekend just to have her take care of me. So when I heard last week that she changed her schedule to Tues, Fri and Sat I was over the moon! Yeah! I win!! I can go during the week right after work instead of taking a day of my precious weekend.

Back to Sunday's call. While confirming the appointment the lady said I was seeing Tony. No....I'm seeing Joanna. Well, it says here you requested Tony. Joanna doesn't even work on Tuesdays. Reeeaaaalllllyyyy.

(that alone should have had her worried)

Come to find out, not only did the confirming chick screw that up, but Joanna is leaving. This weekend. There are no more appointments.

Double whammy.

It was that straw that broke the camel's back.  That girl/lady on the other end of the phone got the brunt of my very bad week. I won't go into it all, but I didn't cuss. (I'm not that uncontrollable) But I remember saying if your appointment makers are that messed up I'm scared to let anyone there touch my hair. I made sure they knew I had to think about if I even wanted to give them my business at all.

I unloaded. (this is very much an edited version)

Today I thought about it. I love the color they use, it stays in my hair wonderfully. The cut isn't THAT difficult. And anyone can do highlights. Not only that, but if I went to the same chain down here the price is almost another $50. (that's the problem living is south OC). So I called, got the same girl/lady and apologized. Sorta. Then I tried to schedule an appointment. Seems Tony didn't even have time to do everything on Tuesday. Rrrreeeaaaallllly?  Shit, who does and book it.  I'm desperate.

But after the past 7 days, it took everything I had to not tell them exactly what they could do with that damned straw.......

What Goes Around, Comes Aournd.

Just a funny thought. I actually started my first blog on March 13th.

I only remember because I have a strange gift for remembering weird stuff like that.

March 13th 2002.

That's kinda odd.....don't cha think?

Looking for a Silver Lining

Every year, this weekend there is The show. It's the biggest trade show of my business, everyone and their brother is there. Hell, the city of Anaheim, home of Disney Land btw, is even worse than usual. I hate it. I actually call it The Show from Hell.

Now, let me just say I know a lot of my friends are really into to healthy. Organic, fresh, good for you food. I get it. Hell, look what I do for a living! But that being said, the best way to describe this show is take every stereotype of hippy you've ever heard or thought and put it all in one place. Seriously. You have no idea.....

And I always get stuck working the entire weekend. I'm kinda of the pack mule. I schlep everything from product to cups. I usually park about a mile from the center so it's a walk. I'm still 30 pounds heavier than I should be, and damnit it! I'm going to be 50 in a few months. Not to mention my idea of a work out lately is walking back to my warehouse (takes all of 3 minutes.) And this show was no different.

So I'm tired, because I still got my day job, it was 93 degrees on Friday, traffic was a nightmare. It had been a tough week anyway and, well, I just flat out didn't want to be there. At all.

That all being said, there was one up swing to this whole thing. I got to spend a couple of days with my peers. Guys that do the same thing I do, but in different areas. We talk on the phone all the time, and just like bloggers, we've become very close. I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me grounded. Give me hope, keep me honest and offer advice. I love these guys.

And lucky for us our booth was not busy. It was kinda freaky. We're a very well known company and brand and folks would just stop by quickly for a drink but no conversations. So that gave us a chance to talk.

In English. You have no idea what a treat that was. More than you could know. I love my team, but oh....to have a real conversation with my peers, in English. It took a few hours, but it all started coming back to me. All my smart ass remarks, comebacks. My sarcasm. Reference to Middle American humor. Seriously folks, you have no idea how much you miss that, how careful you have to always be when you have to watch every single word you say.

Now, please know I don't do that. I'm blunt. To a fault. With everyone. But sarcasm doesn't translate and can lead to lots of problems. So I don't use it. Smart ass remarks? Yeah, those can get you fired. Probably not a good idea.

So while the weekend was uber short and I'm sitting in my living room exhausted, sore, drained, I still have a smile on my face. Yeah, I hate that show, but if that's the price I have to pay to spend time with a few folks I love and can let my hair down with, I have to admit it was worth it. The hippys? Yeah, they'll mostly be gone after today. My time spent with friends? Priceless.

Home Again

One of the things I will NOT do on this site is actually name my employer. I have no family members that know of this, this is MY place to cash in my chips. Facebook is different and I want it to stay that way.

One reason I stopped blogging was because it got too hard. What I'm living out here, if you want to call it living, is all work. I don't have any friends out here. I don't have any fun. I work. I have my team, and I do love them. But every thing I do has something to do with my job.

I need to be able to cash in my chips. I need to be able to write what I need to write. Be pissed off when the shit hits the fan (or the knife hits my back) and brag a bit when things are good.

I need to tell you what's going on with Mama Vi. Can't do that on FB because I would never want her to feel embarrassed or compromised. But that doesn't mean I don't need to vent occasionally.

And that is exactly what my (short term) plans are for here. I can, just like the old Road Warrior days, tell it like it is. In my head anyway. I'm excited. I have so many things running thru my mind that I need to share with you. And yes, I meant to use the word need. I'm not a good hermit. I'm not good at constantly being "on". I have to have an outlet. A place to just be Tammi.

Hell, this is a big political year. I got things to say. I live in California for shits sake. I have stories you need to hear.

I find myself smiling more. Sounds silly I know. But just KNOWING I have someplace to express those many thoughts that bounce around in my head makes me very happy.

Being able to have another Tammi's World just feels right. The name was right from the beginning, thank you Lorena. And nothing else ever fit as well after that. This is home.

And I'm very happy to be here.

Closure

I *REALLY* wanted to go to the wake for Lex last night in San Diego. I mean I REALLY wanted to go. I had visions of everyone sitting around, sharing stories, laughs and some tears. I needed that.

So I got permission to leave the trade show early (and trust me, that damned show is another post all together) and headed to San Diego. Anaheim to San Diego is, while not a rough drive, FULL of traffic. And on a Friday? Oh crap....it can get ugly.

I left the show at 3:30. Finally got to my car at 3:50 (don't ask, again another post) and hit the road. I had almost passed out at one point of the show because I hadn't had anything to drink but 4 cups of coffee that day and not one bite to eat. I was terrified I would either pass out or embarrass myself if I didn't eat something so I took a few minutes to grab a meal at the wheel. I pulled off The 5 in San Diego at 5:50. Finally found a parking place at 6:15.

Now the parking story is one Lex would have loved. Everyone knows I can't park. Well, if I can simply pull in it's pretty good, but parallel? Not so much. Parallel on a hill? I have to say, until last night I had never even attempted it.

But it was the only choice. And I was NOT going to miss this. And guess what? After 4 or 5 tries, I did it. I, Tammi parallel parked on a hill and did not hit or damage anything.

Like I said, I wasn't going to miss this.

Now, I have to say, I've been to a lot of blog meets, and while that isn't what this was, it was close. A lot of folks that do actually know each other, but mostly, just names and comments on a screen. And I went alone. I don't normally do that. I usually have someone that I know or that knows me. Not last night. And it was hard. It was awkward.

I did get to shake a couple of hands, and have a glass of wine. I looked around and didn't see anyone I knew by face. Then a gentleman came up and started talking to me. And I was finally able to share a story or two. And hear his stories.

Then, much to my surprise I had the opportunity to offer my sympathy to Lex' family. I didn't expect that. They were everything I expected from reading, and so much more. It was brief, as is appropriate, but I got to tell his son how amazing his father was. I got to tell his wife I am praying for her family.

And then I went home. It was short. The drive took twice as long as the visit. But it had been a long day and today is going to be longer. I'm not so young anymore so I needed my rest. But I am so glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I'm so glad I made that drive.

I toasted my friend. I shared a story or two. It was, in a word, comforting. I hope and pray the family and those who knew him well find comfort in just how many people loved and admired him.

Time

I started reading blogs back in 2002. And I started with Milblogs. I was desperate for information about the war. I needed to know what was going on, and I wanted the truth. I started reading Matt over at Blackfive and a few blogs that are now, sadly, no longer with us. Thru Matt I was introduced to some amazing folks. One of which is my very dear friend Laughing Wolf. A life changer there, let me tell you. Another gentleman I was reading and commenting on was a Navy Pilot going by Lex. At first I was very nervous to comment, I mean seriously, these folks were amazing. And so smart. And Lex? Wow. But they were not arrogant in their intelligence or abilities. No, instead they would email me, we would talk and they told me I should start blogging. And I did. The first 2 people I told when I started my blog were LW and Lex. And from my first post they supported me. Introduced me to their readers and helped my blog become more than just another in the fray.

Blogging changed my life. I discovered I could tell stories. I could touch people. And I met more amazing folks, people I would never have come in contact with if it weren't for that blog. In short, I became a better person. I was challenged to think, to express my opinion in a clear way. And a lot of that came from my new friend Lex.

One of my fondest memories was getting to attend a MilBlog Conference in DC. I was finally going to get to meet and break bread with some of these friends that I had come to care so much about. I cannot tell you how excited I was. And it started as soon as I arrived. I was standing at the table when I hear this voice say "I know that tall gorgeous woman!" (let me just say, military men know how to sweet talk a girl!) I turned around and there stood this handsome man with a mischevious smile and a twinkle in his eye. Lex. I was finally going to hug my good friend Lex. It was a wonderful time. To HEAR the stories is even better than reading them, trust me when I tell you this. As great as it was to read everything he wrote - the stories about flying or family, the post where he kicked off a wonderful conversation about politics - to HEAR them was 1,000,000 times better. I am SO lucky to have had that opportunity.

So late Monday it was a kick in the gut to get a Facebook message saying there was a chance that Lex was gone. See, there was an accident, and they were pretty sure it was his plane. All I could think of was No! It just can't be true. And then, as more details came to light I became obsessed with the information NOT getting out until the family had time to gather, to process, to start the mourning process. See, when Daddy's plane crashed it was on the news hours and hours before we, his family, knew. I never want anyone to have to deal with that. No one. Especially not the family I had come to know and care about thru my friend. It just shouldn't happen.

So tonite there are almost a dozen wakes scheduled to honor this Good Man that so many loved. For such a sad occasion, I'm really looking forward to it.

And I have a ton of ideas for here. For the first time in years I find myself thinking "Ohh, I need to blog that."

No, I have no illusion that I am anywhere near as talented as Lex, or that my writing is anything like his. I never have. But he liked it. He appreciated it. And for that I'm grateful. Knowing someone like him, and having his support changes a girl. And for that.....I will always have a very special place in my heart. Lex, know you are loved and will be missed.